don’t ask; don’t tell 2007/09/21

i think the birthing center has conveniently forgotten that i’m NOT breastfeeding, even though i told them that at my first or second appointment.  this seems to have happened because i changed midwives halfway through; the first one must have never documented that i said such blasphemy, and i haven’t brought it up with the second one because i feel like i already fought the battle…

anyway, it will be a surprise to us all how the after-birthing-feeding-experience goes, i guess.  but it’s not like they won’t let me take him home or anything.  right?????

the responsibility of it all 2007/09/16

it’s not that i’m surprised… when i made the decision to have a baby, i knew it came with responsibility.  of course, i was considering the “mom” part of it all, changing diapers constantly and 2 am feedings.  putting someone else’s primal needs before your own superficial ones.  all that good stuff.  but i think i gave myself a little too much credit when it comes to the “working mom” part of it all.  sure, i made it through the first trimester without getting fired but now i have to make it through the next 18 years?  yikes…!

also, i really despise making decisions for another person besides myself.  i can rationalize just about anything if it’s what i really want or feel that i really need.  and i can also [mostly] deal with the consequences of my actions.  but there’s so much weight on me right now, physically (!) and mentally, to “do the right thing” for henri‘s sake.  it’s almost as though i deliberately created a conscience for myself, a reason to be rational, so i could stick with this whole stable, practical thing that seems to keep me sane.

of course, i still have options.  i have more options than a lot of other moms-to-be, working or non.  and i don’t mean to discount that.  i guess i just want to document this as the first time i’m taking the option that works best for both of us, instead of just doing what i want–not because i want to be a great mom or because i’m at all interested in being  the self-sacrificial type; but because i made a decision to bring somebody else into the world, which (for me) implies that the world i’m bringing him into will be as good as i can make it for as long as i have control over it.

new milestone 2007/09/11

this morning, i went to brush my teeth and my stomach got in the way of spitting into the sink.  hmmm…

what’s in a name? 2007/09/10

i am leaning towards “thourphy” for the last name.  it has a kind of special ring…right?

pregnancy looks good on me? 2007/09/08

here’s the average conversation between me and someone else:

other person: wow! you’ve really popped!!

lee lee: yep.

other person:  how far along are you/when are you due???

lee lee: november 5th.

other person:  oh, that’s not THAT far away…

lee lee: it’s far enough!

other person:  well, you look really GOOD…

lee lee: [silence] [stunned/slightly grateful smile]

my big question is: what would these people say if i didn’t look good???
and, what does “looking good” really mean?  is it because i’m still wearing clothes instead of mumu’s?  or because i still bathe on a regular basis?  do most pregnant women not look good at this point in their pregnancy?  or, is the other person just amazed that a weakling such as myself is still living and breathing with an additional 19 pounds concentrated in my middlins?

i don’t know and i guess it [ultimately] doesn’t matter.  strange as it is to have other people invested in the state of my external affairs, i’ve never received so many compliments on the way i look before and i probably never will again.   i really wouldn’t complain about this…but i don’t have any other complaints right now!!!  i guess pregnancy feels good on me, too…