i have been thinking a lot lately about if i’m A) not as good of a mom as henri needs, B) a good mom but not as good of a mom as i wish i could be, or C) just a really lame mom. the scary thing is that i’m not sure much, if any, of this (really) has to do with my “depression.” i think that maybe there are just things about being a mom that i’m not good at: like playing trucks & cars for 8 hours straight, or playing anything for 8 hours straight. i’m not a big “play” person. but i want to be, if that’s what henri needs me to be. where’s the balance supposed to be in that conundrum?
admittedly, there are things i’m super-good at when it comes to momming the h-man that previous skeptics (and by skeptics, i mean me) are probably really surprised about. like how i’m pretty damn compassionate. even though it’s funny as hell when henri falls down–hard to explain, he just gets hurt in funny/odd ways–i’m still really good at “kissing his boo-boo” and making sure he’s alright, prior to my laughing at with him. well, that’s all i can think of right now. but i know there are other ways in which i’m better than i thought i would be that i *can’t* think of right now, mainly because i’m Hiding. In a Fort. in more ways than one.
what i’m trying to say is: i have fun with henri. i’ve had loads of fun with henri. there are lots of zaftig memories in my mind. we have fun together. but… i still have mommy-guilt. i confess–to no one’s surprise, i’m sure: i don’t know where the grey is. i’m willing to bet that i couldn’t find the grey if it came up and tapped me on the shoulder and said, “hey there, i’m the grey part of being a mom.”
i’ve been told i have high expectations. so, is that what this is? i’ve also been told that i deliberately put high expectations on people so that they will fail me and i can wallow in the disappointment that brings. i guess, if that’s the case–which i’m not totally convinced of–then i could put the same amount of unrealistically high expectations on myself, fail, and be happy that the world is still round and i’m still a failure. but that seems highly unlikely. what kind of fucked up person would do that?