h:  mommy needs coffee

m: yep

h: my* No drahnk coffee

m: Nooooooo. coffee is Yukkie!  (sips coffee loudly)

h: my Yes! DRAHNK coffee

Not for any reason other than that we’re human, of course.  Therefore, I’m saving the following saying in my back pocket, just in case I ever need it:

“…he who doesn’t listen to the word of the fathers [AKA, the mothers, since we all know the fathers do/say what the mothers tell them to] will become a thief and will die through the words of a thief and will become impoverished through the words of a thief.”

And this (as a back-up’s back-up):

“Parents talk to their children.  In this way they bring up the children…But if the child doesn’t listen, then the father and the mother will neglect it and it will not grow up. It will not find anything. It will not collect anything. It will not have children and will not marry any woman.”

–Baldambe (‘Father of the Dark Brown Cow’) found on “Echoes of the Past“

It sure sounds better than “If you lie, God’ll cut your tongue off,” which was all I had in the Scary Warning Department until finding this gem!

{Just another way in which my “ideals” of parenting have changed since actually becoming a parent}

Not only did I expect to make my child’s costume from scratch before becoming a parent, I even looked down upon those who didn’t.  How lazy, I thought, of those parents.  But I also saw it as a creativity problem; what are we teaching our children by allowing them to “order” their costume online?  Isn’t the point of Halloween (other than the massive amounts of candy and something about the devil)  to be creative??

Then, I became a parent.

Also, I’m a big fan of “theme” costumes.

Last year, after deciding on the theme of Little Bo Peep who’s lost her Sheep, complete with scary Wolf-Daddy, I knew that I could not even begin to make a costume as cute as the little lamb I found online.

only costume worthy of henri's cuteness factor

I mean, come on.  This costume is so cute that when I tried to resell it online, all I got was emails from random strangers about how cute my kid was.  And, yes, he’s cute by himself–but with The Lamb Costume on…this is “shit your pants” cute.

So then, my ideal had been broken and it was perfectly okay, nay, desirable, for me to order a Curious George costume that costs $20 this year.  I didn’t realize how quickly my scruples would drop, nor how low…

Luckily, my mother-in-law saved my poor Henri from this {potential} debacle by finding a Very Expensively Made tiger costume at the Weston Dump  (Read: Untapped Resource).  The only problem with this is that as the cuteness factor continues to rise without any creative input from mom-mom, the ideal–or the possibility of Ever making a costume for h-man–sinks lower and lower and lower.  Oops…there it went.  Lost it!

Tigers Do Not Smile

As I was routinely changing Henri’s diaper tonight before beginning the bedtime routine, I thought to myself: How could I ever not love someone whose ass crack I’ve seen a million times?

Strange, but true.

I always wanted to read that list of the 100 most important books for a high school student, but never did.  Thus, I will live vicariously through Henri (in this, and in other ways, I’m sure…) by starting on the following list of the “Teacher’s Top 100.”  Actually, we’ve *already* started on it, unbeknownst to me or my future little reader  (see notations below).  We’re just that cool…

p.s. If you’re thinking about Henri’s upcoming birthday, this list might be of help to you!!!

Teacher’s Top 100 Books for Children

The following list was compiled from an online survey in 2007. Parents and teachers will find it useful in selecting quality literature for children.

1. Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White
2. Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak
3. The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein
4. Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss (own, but haven’t read yet)
5. Good Night Moon by Margaret Wise Brown  (Check)
6. I Love You Forever by Robert N. Munsch
7. Because of Winn Dixie by Kate DiCamillo
8. Oh! The Places You Will Go by Dr. Seuss (own?)
9. The Little House by Virginia Lee Burton
10. The Polar Express by Chris Van Allsburg
11. Skippyjon Jones by Judy Schachner
12. Thank You Mr. Falker by Patricia Polacco
13. The Cat In The Hat by Dr. Seuss (own?)
14. The Lorax by Dr. Seuss
15. The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo
16. The Mitten by Jan Brett
17. Crunching Carrots, Not Candy by Judy Slack
18. Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus by Mo Willlems (honestly, i’m not a big fan of this book; but we will read it just to check it off the list)
19. Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling (NOT NO, BUT HELL NO. if henri ever wants to read this, he can do it on his own! i refuse!!!)
20. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle
21. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
22. Are You My Mother? by P.D. Eastman (Check, thanks to Olga!)
23. Corduroy by Don Freeman
24. Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse by Kevin Henkes
25. Stellaluna by Janell Cannon
26. Tacky the Penquin by Helen Lester
27. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
28. The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
29. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom by Bill Martin Jr.
30. Click Clack Moo: Cows That Type by Doreen Cronin
31. Harold and the Purple Crayon by Crockett Johnson
32. Horton Hatches the Egg by Dr. Seuss
33. Junie B. Jones by Barbara Park
34. Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder
35. Make Way For Ducklings by Robert McCloskey
36. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
37. Piggie Pie by Margie Palatini
38. The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper (Check)
39. The Monster at the End of this Book by Jon Stone
40. The Tale of Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo (own, but not yet age-appropriate)
41. A Bad Case of Stripes by David Shannon
42. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs by Judi Barrett
43. From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler by E.L. Konigsburg
44. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke
45. Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli
46. Officer Buckle and Gloria by Peggy Rathmann
47. Olivia by Ian Falconer
48. The BFG by Roald Dahl
49. The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
50. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (own, but not yet age-appropriate)
51. The Sneetches by Dr. Seuss
52. The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle (check?)
53. Tikki Tikki Tembo by Arlene Mosel
54. A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett (own, but not yet age-appropriate)
55. Bark, George by Jules Feiffer
56. Bunnicula by James Howe
57. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl (own, but not yet age-appropriate)
58. Charlie the Caterpillar by Dom DeLuise
59. Chrysanthemum by Kevin Henkes
60. Dear Mr. Henshaw by Beverly Cleary
61. Frederick by Leo Lionni
62. Frindle by Andrew Clements
63. Frog and Toad by Arnold Lobel
64. Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney (check)
65. Harris and Me by Gary Paulsen
66. Harry the Dirty Dog by Gene Zion
67. Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss
68. How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss
69. I Love You, Stinky Face by Lisa McCourt
70. Is Your Mama A Llama? by Deborah Guarino
71. Jan Brett’s books
72. Knots on a Counting Rope by Bill Martin Jr.
73. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (own, but not yet age-appropriate)
74. Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel by Virginia Lee Burton
75. Miss Rumphius by Barbara Cooney
76. My Father’s Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett
77. My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss (check, thanks to K-Frayz!)
78. My Side of the Mountain by Jean Craighead George
79. No David! by David Shannon (check)
80. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss (own, but i don’t think he’s read it yet?)
81. Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein
82. Stephanie’s Ponytail by Robert Munsch
83. Swimmy by Leo Lionni
84. The Hundred Dresses by Eleanor Estes
85. The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Warner
86. The Dark Is Rising by Susan Cooper
87. The Empty Pot by Demi
88. The Five Chinese Brothers by Claire Huchet Bishop
89. The Giver by Lois Lowr
90. The Grouchy Ladybug by Eric Carle
91. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien (something tells me we own this…)
92. The Important Book by Margaret Wise Brown
93. The Last Holiday Concert by Andrew Clements
94. The Napping House by Audrey Wood
95. The Quiltmaker’s Gift by Jeff Brumbeau
96. The Snowy Day by Ezra Jack Keats
97. The Story About Ping by Marjorie Flack
98. The True Story of the Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka
99. Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt
100. The Wide-Mouthed Frog: A Pop-Up Book by Keith Faulkner

Once we get done with these, the NEA also has a list of 50 Multicultural Books and 50 State Booklist.  Oh man… I’m glad Henri likes to read!

it’s official (as if it wasn’t already…): henri truly is my mini-me.

we went shoe shopping, which was (more) stressful (then it had to be) because i suggested henri “try out” each pair of shoes he tried on–ended up being like 12 or so–and he took that to mean he could run away from us in each pair of shoes he tried on.  whoop-ee!

he ended up getting, yes–you guessed it–Pink Tennis Shoes.  now, either this is God’s way of reaffirming my decision to have a kid in the first place, OR, more likely, henri doesn’t yet realize that pink is for “little ladies,” as this website so kindly points out, and just really really really really REALLY loves his mom-mom who really really really REALLY loves pink, therefore…well, you get the argument i’m making. right?

Kicks

now, i know what you’re thinking: that i Encouraged him to get pink tennis shoes.  and i swear on the tattoo on my left wrist that i did no such thing.  however, i certainly showed them to him, kind of as a joke.*  the first pair of pink tennis shoes i showed him were not anywhere near as gender-neutral and he liked them but absolutely did not say he wanted to buy them like he did the converse ones.  (yes, he speaks in sentences and yes, gender-neutral is a term that applies to pink things, in my world).  i also know the other thing you’re thinking, mainly because i thought it, too, by which i mean, i said it out loud:  poor da-da.  as with all other things me & the h-man throw at mcknight, though, he took it just fine.  sure, he rolled his eyes.  but if any father can handle his 2-year-old running around in pink kicks, it’s this one.

to answer your other questions: yes, henri has been called a girl several times since this shoe-buying incident.  i have no words.  (he doesn’t even LOOK feminine!!!).  and yes, henri and mom-mom have had several well-meaning “older” women–at least 4-year-olds, if not older–explain to us that “pink” is for “girls.”  REALLY? i had no idea.  it’s not like i’ve never passed Victoria’s Secret or The Limited Too.  it’s not like i’ve tried to buy clothes for my son that aren’t blue.  it’s not like i started wearing pink the day my niece was born 9 years ago and haven’t stopped since.  i *know* pink is for girls, you little bitches/future sarah palin supporters!!!  but, guess what?  pink is also the color of Power.  in this case, the willpower not to introduce you to the powerful feeling of putting someone much smaller and much less experienced than you are in their rightful place: namely, on the ground.

but i digress.  the moral of the story is that  the first pair of tennis shoes henri picked out himself is pink.  we tried on adidas.  we ran around the store in new balance. we knocked over shoe salesman in elmo-light-up-blinky-blinky high traction/low impact etc.-etc. shoes.  i even forced his foot into a black & flame version of the very same shoe he ended up buying.  but, none of them got the elicited reaction, which went something like this.

mom-mom: (after picking up pink converse shoes that she in no way thought would ever be liked, let alone bought, by her son, who is a boy and not a “little lady”)  these are AWESOME.  don’t you LOVE them?????

da-da: rolls eyes.

henri: uh-huh.

mom-mom: (puts them on henri’s foot, despite his squirming and losing interest upon realizing they’re *very* hard shoes to put on) WOW. i LOVE them. don’t you LOVE them, buddy???

da-da: rolls eyes, begins to walk away.

henri: uh-huh.

mom-mom: are THESE the ones you want to BUY?????

henri: (after a very long hour to hour-and-a-half of trying on shoes, running around the store, and begging to ride in a tractor) Uh-Huh!

mom-mom: (says privately to da-da) wow–i can’t believe he wants pink shoes. that’s so cute. don’t you think that’s so cute? i didn’t force him into them. you saw it. he wanted them. he said he liked them.  right?

da-da: um…

*

*the reader will note that henri has been trying on my pink high-heeled shoes and prancing around the house in them, quite capably, for a few months now

this past friday, the guest speaker in my ethics seminar asked the students to write down 3 ethical dilemmas in modern medicine and/or science that they might want to research.  to keep myself awake (hey–being a student is {still} boring!), i decided to write down a few of my own.  you never know: i might research something one day.

the important thing to know is that (according to the speaker) an ethical dilemma is one in which there are at least two sides to the issue, if not more.

of course, the first to come to mind was circumcision of newborn boys.  when living through this dilemma, i felt that the decision *not* to circumcise was almost a cop-out–a non-decision, if you will.  however, after thinking for just a few minutes about it in the fabulousness of ethics, i realized that i faced an ethical dilemma and made a decision, based on my ethical values.  maybe that seems like a no-brainer to you.  but it made me proud!  who know i even had values?

the second thing i thought of, which i truly would like to research, or at least would like for someone else to research because i think it’s absolutely needs to be addressed by A) the medical community and B) the world at large, was the question of a drug-free childbirth.  the question being, is it even possible in this day and age?  i know it isn’t in massachusetts, at least not for women who go over 2 weeks from their “estimated” due date.  and i certainly know it wasn’t a choice for me.  at the time, it didn’t seem like so much of a dilemma as a “give me drugs or give me death” sort of moment.  and i’m still very upset at all of the factors that went into that non-decision: including my own weakness, even if it was just a lack of preparation for what might’ve been coming.  in order to actually research this dilemma, we would first have to acknowledge it as such.  so, yeah, that could be a problem.

lastly, the 3rd dilemma i thought of is the one that every biological mother who chooses to raise her own child faces, whether she realizes it or not: to breastfeed or not to breastfeed?  even those of us for whom it really wasn’t much of a dilemma–let’s face it, there was never even a miniscule moment in time when i might’ve considered letting a tiny alien suckle at my bosom–had to not only make a choice, but defend it, lest our ethics be looked down upon.

so there you have it: i’m not just a mom.  i’m a freaking mom who can’t stop being a mom, even when considering {hypothetical} ethical dilemmas with potential in an academic mom-free environment.  *sigh* it seems the kid has finally infiltrated what was left of my mind…but hey, there’s something to be said for “going all in.”  right?

it’s true. the witching hour actually exists.  today, henri was A-dorable from the time i got home around 2 or so, until around 5-ish, at which point he started “thrashing” himself on to the floor, Jack Black style, while simultaneously jumping in and out of his turned-upside-down (kid) armchair, until he hit his head on the corner of the coffee table.  he started crying, but then realized it would be more comforting just to lie on the floor, face-down, and play dead.

OMG. i have never witnessed such a transformation.  sure, he’s hungry, tired, bored…blah blah blah.  i get it.  so that means he goes insane?  becomes a rock star? practically slices his left ear off?  aren’t there easier ways to get attention…?

emo henri

call me crazy. but i’m a fan of words, and using them.  how old does he have to be before he can understand the phrase, “MOM. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. NOW.”  the kid knows what a compost is. he’s recognizes about ten letters and the numbers 4 and 2.  i think he can learn to say “yo, i need some lovin’ biyatches.”

wait.  is this some sort of genetic malfunctioning i’ve passed down? the inability to ask for help (or anything else) when you need it…?  uh-oh. get the baby meds. let’s stop this “nervous breakdown” before it happens…

i have been thinking a lot lately about if i’m A) not as good of a mom as henri needs, B) a good mom but not as good of a mom as i wish i could be, or C) just a really lame mom.  the scary thing is that i’m not sure much, if any, of this (really) has to do with my “depression.”  i think that maybe there are just things about being a mom that i’m not good at: like playing trucks & cars for 8 hours straight, or playing anything for 8 hours straight.  i’m not a big “play” person.  but i want to be, if that’s what henri needs me to be.  where’s the balance supposed to be in that conundrum?

admittedly, there are things i’m super-good at when it comes to momming the h-man that previous skeptics (and by skeptics, i mean me) are probably really surprised about.  like how i’m pretty damn compassionate.  even though it’s funny as hell when henri falls down–hard to explain, he just gets hurt in funny/odd ways–i’m still really good at “kissing his boo-boo” and making sure he’s alright, prior to my laughing at with him.   well, that’s all i can think of right now. but i know there are other ways in which i’m better than i thought i would be that i *can’t* think of right now, mainly because i’m Hiding. In a Fort. in more ways than one.

what i’m trying to say is: i have fun with henri.  i’ve had loads of fun with henri. there are lots of zaftig memories in my mind.  we have fun together.  but…  i still have mommy-guilt.  i confess–to no one’s surprise, i’m sure: i don’t know where the grey is. i’m willing to bet that i couldn’t find the grey if it came up and tapped me on the shoulder and said, “hey there, i’m the grey part of being a mom.”

i’ve been told i have high expectations.  so, is that what this is? i’ve also been told that i deliberately put high expectations on people so that they will fail me and i can wallow in the disappointment that brings.  i guess, if that’s the case–which i’m not totally convinced of–then i could put the same amount of unrealistically high expectations on myself, fail, and be happy that the world is still round and i’m still a failure.  but that seems highly unlikely.  what kind of fucked up person would do that?

as if i don’t have enough things to do, i’ve been staying up late at night planning what will, i hope, be the 3rd best party ever.  (wait–4th, if you count my 30th b-day bar crawl.  and i {kind of} do.)  first, there was the greatest baby shower of all (!) and, then, the 1st birthday party of all 1st birthday parties (theme? Henri!) and, now, there will be an alphabetilicious party, better than your most committed abecederian could plan.

okay. having looked that up. that word does NOT mean what i thought it meant. and it definitely doesn’t mean what most people today think it means, otherwise i never would’ve heard of it.

yes, that’s right.  your ears are not fooling you.  this year’s theme will be (of course!): The Alphabet.

you're invited!

believe it or not, this isn’t actually a radical idea for a toddler’s birthday party.  i’ve already found cake designs, meal plans, pre-school appropriate activities, AND about a billion color sheets.  um, no.  we will *not* be coloring.  this isn’t pre-school, goddamnit.  it’s a friggin’ party, for God’s sake!!!

so, get your game on.  practice your cursive letters.  and make sure you know which smalls go with which bigs.  because in less than 3 months, a showcase of the world’s smartest 2-year-old’s alphabet knowledge will be on display.  join us.  if you dare.

p.s. i {additionally} challenge you to bring an alphabet-inspired, if not outright intellectually stimulating, gift.  handmade is A-Okay.