hiding in the fort 2009/09/13

i have been thinking a lot lately about if i’m A) not as good of a mom as henri needs, B) a good mom but not as good of a mom as i wish i could be, or C) just a really lame mom.  the scary thing is that i’m not sure much, if any, of this (really) has to do with my “depression.”  i think that maybe there are just things about being a mom that i’m not good at: like playing trucks & cars for 8 hours straight, or playing anything for 8 hours straight.  i’m not a big “play” person.  but i want to be, if that’s what henri needs me to be.  where’s the balance supposed to be in that conundrum?

admittedly, there are things i’m super-good at when it comes to momming the h-man that previous skeptics (and by skeptics, i mean me) are probably really surprised about.  like how i’m pretty damn compassionate.  even though it’s funny as hell when henri falls down–hard to explain, he just gets hurt in funny/odd ways–i’m still really good at “kissing his boo-boo” and making sure he’s alright, prior to my laughing at with him.   well, that’s all i can think of right now. but i know there are other ways in which i’m better than i thought i would be that i *can’t* think of right now, mainly because i’m Hiding. In a Fort. in more ways than one.

what i’m trying to say is: i have fun with henri.  i’ve had loads of fun with henri. there are lots of zaftig memories in my mind.  we have fun together.  but…  i still have mommy-guilt.  i confess–to no one’s surprise, i’m sure: i don’t know where the grey is. i’m willing to bet that i couldn’t find the grey if it came up and tapped me on the shoulder and said, “hey there, i’m the grey part of being a mom.”

i’ve been told i have high expectations.  so, is that what this is? i’ve also been told that i deliberately put high expectations on people so that they will fail me and i can wallow in the disappointment that brings.  i guess, if that’s the case–which i’m not totally convinced of–then i could put the same amount of unrealistically high expectations on myself, fail, and be happy that the world is still round and i’m still a failure.  but that seems highly unlikely.  what kind of fucked up person would do that?

belated happenings (lazy post) 2008/07/24

i haven’t been doing a very good job of keeping this blog going. alas, some other things have taken over my life/mind. rest assured, henri is still growing and changing and being remarkable every single day. while he isn’t yet crawling, here are some things he enjoys:

• gritting his teeth together. yes, he only has 3 teeth. but that doesn’t seem to stop him from constantly gritting them.  i wonder if he’s just like, hey–what are these things in my mouth? or, if he actually does it to relieve pain or something.  either way, it is superbly annoying/slightly painful to listen to.
• climbing.  not being able to crawl doesn’t stop him from grabbing on to whatever’s closest to him (fabrics work best) and pulling himself across your body, the floor, the bed, etc.
• falling off the bed. how many times does this have to happen before he realizes it hurts? oh wait, am i supposed to keep this from happening??? oops.  i guess fear is a learned thing, b/c henri certainly doesn’t have any.  combine that with his constant need to be going, doing, moving, etc. and you have what we call a “thrillseeker.”
• singing.  henri has this little walker that has a musical feature and we just noticed the other night that when you put him in the walker, he’ll hit the button to make the music play and immediately start crooning right along.  when the music stops, he stops.  also, the other day, he sang along to bob marley.  i always knew i’d have a reggae kid.
• walking. well, in his walker, that is.  actually, he more scoots around in circles using only one foot.  unless he gets stuck, then he can use both legs to back up.
• drumming on anything.  we got him an actual drum, but he really didn’t need it.  tabletops work just fine.  i firmly believe his penchant for drumming is due to mcknight’s constant drumming on my pregnant belly during henri’s last month in utero.
• giving love bites.  i’m not sure if he’s kissing us, biting us, or just experiencing us through his salivary glands like he experiences everything else that is a part of his world, but henri loves to grab on to you and plant a big wet one right on your shoulder.  regardless of intention, it makes me feel loved.

well, i could go on, but that should update you for now.  basically, henri enjoys pretty much anything that doesn’t involve sleep.  that, he avoids like a plague.  in fact, he has decided sleep actually isn’t a necessity after all.

is this for real??? 2008/06/30

I just received this email:

Dear MomofHenri,

Thanks again for shopping at Toys”R”Us & Babies”R”Us. We’re pleased to tell you that your item(s) has been shipped!

If there are remaining items in your order that were not shipped at this time, you will receive a similar email notification when they ship. You can click on the link below to review the status of your entire order, including any items that may have been shipped separately.

Item: 4484966
Description: Simplicity Kingston 4-in-1 Crib – Chocolate/White
Quantity: 1
Status: Shipped via: FedEx Ground

YOU MEAN HENRI IS ACTUALLY GOING TO HAVE HIS OWN BED?????? I thought this dream would never come true!

this blog post is as threatening as i get 2008/06/10

thanks to the lovely, i mean lazy, people at fawn and forest, henri is now sleeping on the floor (well, on a mattress on the floor).  previously, i was very excited to order the “perfect” crib (the sahara crib in walnut).  i even sent out a little email to 1,000 of our closest friends with the new that henri was a big boy and i’d found the perfect crib, etc. etc.  guess how long ago that was???  that was so long ago i can’t even remember when it was…and i don’t feel like looking it up in my gmail.  cleary, i am in a BAD MOOD.  so, what’s a slacker mom to do?  i’ve sent several emails and the guy just keeps assuring me the crib will be sent as soon as possible.  i mean, do i actually have to Pick up the Phone and Call These People?  ugh.  that entirely defeats the purpose of ordering something ONLINE.  i’m thinking: order the crib somewhere else. see which one gets here first.  return the one that gets here second. i didn’t pay for shipping the first time around (boy, did i learn THAT lesson) from fawn & forest, so i’d only have to pay shipping to return it.  this all sounds very complicated and kinda of expensive, but it means i wouldn’t have to TALK TO or THREATEN anyone.  which is good.  i’d rather talk bad about them behind their back for the rest of henri’s life!!!!!! yes, that is lazy.  but its also non-confrontational.  is this like some lesson i’m supposed to be learning and then passing along to my son? because if it is, i refuse to learn it.  so, just SEND ME THE CRIB ALREADY.

belly baby 2008/05/29

henri has started sleeping on his tummy. i have no idea if this is okay or not. i think it would be more okay if he was IN HIS CRIB. oh, CRI-IHB? Where Are You-uuuuu?

in which mommy reasons as to why her son didn’t sleep the night before 2008/05/01

i wonder if there is some inherent truth to that old saying about not going to bed angry with your partner. i mean, where henri is concerned. because he didn’t sleep that well last night. (is this the travesty of him sleeping in our room that i’ve been [nervously] waiting for?)

i’ve come up with some other possible reasons for his lack of sleep, so as not to make myself feel bad:

• it’s freezing in our room at night. in fact, i think our room is the coldest of all of the rooms. i don’t know why this is but my 2 possible explanations are: someone who lived in the house before us shut the vent in our room off, or the gods do not want me to be warm at night, ever, even though i constantly pay good money to be that way!!!
• during the first 3 hours of his [then peaceful] nighttime rest, i was moving furniture and boxes and i wasn’t really being quiet about it. (ooops, this one incriminates me, too…)
• he IS getting 2 teeth (maybe more?) after all
• there’s only so much nighttime sleep a baby can take before he starts losing credo on the baby-internet community forums he’s a part of
• dare i say, he’s ready for his own room and will most likely not wake up as much once he is in there???
• the poor thing (note the omission of “little” in that oft used phrase) is just about to fall out of his cradle–and by “out of,” i mean over the side. when will that damn crib be here anyway???
• his pajamas were too small–and, they really are, if only because he continues to grow at the speed of light
• he didn’t have socks on. he does usually take these off at some point in the night, but–still–he starts out with them on, so this definitely constitutes as a change in routine and is not a lame, last reason because i didn’t want to end the list with how i need to buy him pajamas that fit

henri is so cute. he even makes me want to wake up in the morning. 2008/04/30

when henri wakes up in the morning, he is generally in a bright and cheery mood! he contentedly squawks and squeals until one of us gets up to bring him back to our bed. since he’s not usually hungry right away, we give him a furry toy to chew on while we rest our eyes a little bit more. eventually, he will get frustrated/hungry enough that he’ll grab mark’s nose and wake us [back] up. his new rolling over technique is very useful at this stage. once we’re *really* awake, somebody gets up and makes him a bottle. then, he eats breakfast in bed while we get just a little more shut-eye before the horrible, tragic, day-away-from-henri-and-all-things-lovely-and-good-and-baby-centric begins. while we’re getting ready in the mornings, henri is all too happy to sit in his bouncy seat and play, along with more squaking and squealing of course. then, we drop him off upstairs with nani and/or papi, at which time the routine starts over with “giving him the fuzzy animal to chew on.”

have i mentioned i have the perfect life? and by perfect, i mean everything i’ve always wanted.

Fatherhood (for those postponing fatherhood) 2008/04/14

I have several guy friends/a brother who are, likely (although they haven’t said so to my face), quite surprised that anyone would, more or less voluntarily, take on the job/duty/life-long-commitment of fatherhood. And I was right there with them when I was 29-years+364-days-old. That’s somewhat tongue-in-cheek – it didn’t exactly correspond, to the moment, with my thirtieth birthday – however, it was around that time that I began to think that fatherhood might be A-ok. Actually, it really hit me around the time that I became romantically involved with a woman who happened to be T-minus-two-or-so-months from motherhood.

OK, listen up, here’s the secret:

*… fatherhood isn’t really all that bad…*

Caveats:

• Henri’s cute.
• He’s really very reasonable… for an infant.*
• He stays where you put him (not for long I fear).
• He’s easily heft-able; portable (see above).
• He’s really darn cute.

Subtract a couple of those attributes and I may have a completely different opinion. (Given the self-expiring nature of attributes three and four on the above list, check back with me in a month or two, okay?)

Really, what have I given up? A solid block of 7-8 (or 9, or 10) hours of sleep? Sure, but I’ve given that up voluntarily for weeks at a time. Sleeping in on the weekends is harder but it turns out that you really do get a lot more done when you get out of bed before noon. Henri requires a lot of attention but also likes spending a lot of time on his back admiring his feet. While he’s doing this I can do “productive” things such as lie on my back and admire the insides of my eyelids… or, more likely, watch Top Chef.

And an added benefit of having a kid when you’re 30ish is they’ll be out of the house by the time you’re 50ish when you’re young enough to enjoy the fact that the kid has finally-left-the-g-d-nest!!

*I mean, sure, he’ll take a deep breath and TELL YOU when something is bothering him (i.e. it’s been 2 hours and thirty-ONE minutes since he last ate and that’s really longer than ANY REASONABLE BABY COULD BE EXPECTED TO WAIT, DAMMIT!! AAAAAA-GHE-HE-HE-HE!!!) but, once you give him what he wants, everything is copasetic.

we miss mark 2008/04/03

i don’t think henri’s sleeping all that well, and neither is his mommy!  usually, he wakes up about 6:45 and plays in his bouncy seat for a while until i drag my ass out of bed.  but–this week–he hasn’t even wanted to get up when i’m ready to leave, which is around 7:30.   at some point in the night/early morning, he wakes up and will not keep his pacifier in.  after about 3 times putting it back in, i just put him in my bed.  but i think this makes both of us sleep more restlessly.  what’s a mom/son to do??? we need mcknight back!!!

sleepy but stubborn… 2008/03/12

(…or maybe he just has gas…?)

now that we’ve upped his formula intake once again, henri has actually somewhat settled into a sleeping schedule on his own. well, i’m not there during the day… but, at night, he falls asleep right after his 9/9:30 bottle and sleeps until 2 or 2:30 AM. we feed him (and by “we” i mean “mark”) 4 oz. and he goes back to sleep right away. then, he usually sleeps until 6:30…sometimes longer, especially if i rock his bouncy seat a little while. (of course, all this goes out the window if his tummy hurts, like last night…but i do not want to talk about that right now!!!).

i guess that’s not too bad of a sleep schedule, even though the doctor did say he should be able to sleep for 5 hours after his last evening bottle.

as for going to sleep on his own, i don’t think we’re quite ready for that one. he is just learning to put his pacifier in his mouth on his own, which is a definite step in the right direction. but, i can’t imagine him falling asleep or falling back asleep without patting or rocking of some sort. besides the fact he has to be swaddled so tight you could throw him like a football without the blanket coming undone to sleep at all. as i may have previously mentioned: we’ve created a monster. but–i believe he will progress to other sleep habits when he is ready.  maybe i have to believe that???

although– mark did buy a couple books on baby sleep this past weekend. i tried to read one, but i was too sleepy to read much past the first page.